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LUST

Have you ever been so infatuated with someone so much that every picture you find of them becomes a piece of art?

 

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LOVE BULLSHIT


So what the fuck did I ever do to you?
from day one you've done nothing but treat me like shit... And stupidly I still stayed.  We are both addicts we are both sick we are both disgusting excuses 4 grown ups yet we still think from time to time then love is going to be what saves us but we are wrong so wrong to even believe that the fantasy of love can even exist in our narcissistic minds. You called me a slut I call you a loser you called me a cunt I call you the Boozer. Trust respect admiration morals values those words do not exist in our definition of a relationship. Can't live with each other but can't live without. It is time I live without. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all bullshit I'd rather not know this pain.

SO IT'S COME TO THIS

Ok, ok, I know it's been said everyday... "BUT I LOVE HIM". BARF, THROW-UP, VOMIT, PUKE, DUMB, HOPELESS ROMANTIC, LOW SELF ESTEEM, CO-dependant, STUPID!!!!! Quick story: I met him through his cousin who went to the methadone clinic with me. She told me he was trouble, full of bad karma and did a little jail time (a year, but in this city that make them know things, those of us who haven't ever been to jail). When she introduced us it was accidently. Her car broke down, he happened to be walking close by and I had a boyfriend. Was he cute? Kind of, Was he tall? 5'11". Was he a gangsta? Nope. Months pass by, I got rid of my verbally abusive boyfriend and was sitting at the library (where a lot of us methadone/pill poppers went, not actually in the library but in front, on steps. People knew where to sell their vic's, xanax's, perk's, oxy's, speed, black). At the time I was on a dose of 80 and taking 2 xanax bars a day. He, I didn't know yet. But he was carrying a backpack and a folder with pictures of the World's 7 Wonders, Stonehenge,  the pyramids and so on. I became intrigued. He was smart? scholarly? studious? Well, that is #1 on my list of men to date. But I kept in mind what his cousin said and left it at that. Almost everyday he would stop by the library, where I read, even though I was zanied out of my mind. We became good friends, confidants, the skeletons in our closets came out. He with stories of all his drug abuse (alcocol and speed mostly) restraining orders, pepper spray, GTA's, and a girlfriend that died form a gun shot to the neck. (funny thing I never understood or questioned, was that he didn't find out she had died until 2 months after the shot and that was his girlfriend?)...WIERD. But he wore a ring she gave him, NOT on his ring finger. My skeletons were maybe not as exciting but much more degrading. My drug stories about going from drinking to weed to "black out" drinking to popping up to 60 vicodin an day... 6...0 (why lie). Having sex for pills, Craig List prostitution, stealing money from all family and friends I had lost a long time ago. Pawning my son's video game systems, the list goes on. Things that still haunt me, I will always regret, I TOLD NO ONE ELSE, BUT HIM. Big mistake I would find out later ebding up in a methadone clinic which helped tremendously to leaving me with another bad habit. We ended up being a couple for a year, March 17th was our anniversary. That day he came over, we did the typical date people have without any money, watched a movie, made love and cuddled all night. He, treating me like a queen. I thought we were made for each other, saying "I Love You" early and always walking, talking and understanding each other. BUT FROM THE FIRST MONTH VERBALLY ABUSING ME ABOUT MY PAST! I didn't see it in full, but it happened "How do I know you weren't with another man when I couldn't get a hold of you? You probably have fucked more than 100 men". That was the start. A year later, we were breaking up every other day. It went from once a month to every two weeks to once a week to every other day. I'm no angel,but when I met him I was ready to love, dedicate myself and unconditionally love someone. His verbally andemotionally killing me, "SLUT, TRAMP, PROSTITUTE, LAZY, UGLY"  and then the scariest words came out of his mouth ," I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR SON YOU ARE A PROSTITUTE!". My son, 19, was quite aware of mt drug problems but it was hidden, hopefully forever, that I had went that low. Do not get me wrong I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY OPEN WITH MY CHILD ABOUT EVERYTHING, BUT KIDS DO NOT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEIR MOTHER. Quick story, right? RIGHT... HE DID IT HE TEXT MY SON "YOUR MOTHER IS A SLUT AND A WHORE SHE SUCKS DICK FOR DRUGS. SORRY MAN". SO, IT'S COME TO THIS. WE ARE OVER,,, AND I MEAN OVER... YOU DON'T FUCK WITH SOMEONES CHILD. No, my son says he doesn't believe it, but who knows what will happen in the future. Will he look at my with a question? Will he hear other rumors? I DON'T KNOW BUT I DO KNOW NEVER, EVER, EVER TELL SOMEONE YOUR SECRETS, UNTIL ... WELL, FOR ME...NEVER.

PAIN

Once the caterpillar thought she would die... She turned into a butterfly

INSOMNIA

I cant sleep, I have this very fucked up schedule, I seem to sleep a lot during the day, therefore I feel awake all night. Last night I even popped 2 valiums so wen I went to sleep 2 I could SLEEP. But that was at 7, after I woke up from a nap at 4. I went to nap at 12 but then earlier woke up at 3 am. My sleep schedule is so messed up I honestly don't know what to do. Take away the naps? But by 12 I'm falling asleep , wherever I am, standing up, watching, reading, whatever. I fall asleep and now I'm on here journaling and not making sense. But I don't make sense  anyways.

SO... I AM TIPSY

SO... I AM TIPSY, which isn't a good thing because I'm an addict/alcoholic. Recovering sorda,. What I mean is I probably get "drunk" once every 3 months but when I do...it"s bad. Or good, however you want to look at it. I have the tendency to blackout. Wine (my preference) begins to taste like water and I don't remember how I got into bed. At least these years I know I'm going to wake up alone, which wasn't the case before. You never knew. God that sounds so scary now. I remember "back in the days" I used to be able to call anybody on a list of about 20 people to come join me. BAM!  They were there within half an hour. With more liquor (at that time my preference was beer), smoke and some weed. BAM! Just like that. Now... I don't have the need to call anyone. I'm fine just listening to my music all by myself, JUST KIDDING. i have no one to call. Either because I stopped drinking daily or because I fell in love with opiates and isolated myself for too long. When I came back to earth they were all married, children, jobs... No, Careers. That's not all though. Actually the reason for my celebration (I was almost going to use quotes around "celebration" but didn't cause I will Quote myself to death, obviously, and I say myself because I know no one else will read this). Good, Anyways my celebration or maybe my goodbye party is to my relationship. OF COURSE, RIGHT? What else does a girl do when she gets broken up with, that is unless you have it together, know how to handle your emotions, aren't afraid of feeling life's feelings (pain,loneliness, fear of change, etc.) BUT THAT'S NOT ME. It has been literally 1 year 1 month 6 days and some odd hours/ I knew it wouldn't last, knew I told him too much when we were friends at first and knew, he too, had drug and alcohol problems. By no means is this story of a failed relationship any more special, unique, different or rare than an other. Simple 2 people meet, both are single, attracted to each other, develop a good friendship (tell each other every secret), hook up, and become a couple, fall in love. And now were not 
I HAVE A TOOTHACHE! AND IT HURTS BAD! I've come to realize that my posts will probably never get read and I did this for my self so let me just vent what I want. I just got my 4 front teeth worked on, they look great. Work was done because I had one missing tooth and the other 3 had root canal and/or  cavity issues. So, you can only imagine how the rest of my mouth looked like. I'k a SUCKER/ADDICT for soda, for one. SUGAR is a must for me daily... AND NO I DON'T FLOSS! . Yes, I brush but from all these years of soda, sugar, alcohol, drugs, not flossing,etc. I have a mouth that looks like cancer. The dentist put a camera in m mouth and on this HUGE t.v. screen it showed my teeth, up close and personal. My parents cried, literally. Thus the 4 front teeth fixed ($6000). Went to a dentist that didn't even take medi-cal. So, back to the pain. I'd rather have labor pains. If I just open my mouth wide the air that hits my teeth kills the nerves. I can't even figure out what tooth/teeth it is. I'm popping Ibprofin like its candy (uuuggghhh). I'm hating on ORAJEL, cause it kinda helps. I need to get down to the General Hospital so they can just pull some more. This pain is unbearable. I did it to myself so I'm not whining, I'm just complaining. NOTE TO CHILDREN... FLOSS YOUR TEETH NOW, TODAY! 

LOOPY

The last few days have been quite a blur. Funny thing is I HAVE NOT touched a Valium, Xanax or an other benzo in 3 days. AMAZINGLY BY CHOICE BECAUSE I ALREADY FELL SO LOOPY SO WHY WASTE A PILL, RIGHT? Usually when I don't take anything I'm miserable but I already feel high, or "out of it". Don't get me wrong this is kind of the feeling I like to have. Mellow, relaxed, and comfortable in my skin... BUT, WHY? Why am I so out of it that I forget simple things, nod off, lay in bed chillin. BUT, WHY? Is their something wrong with me? Blood levels? Brain? Oxygen? Saratonin levels? Did I damage my brain so much that now its mush? I'm starting to feel scared. A doctor will probably just say "Drink more water, take some supplements, vitamin B, exercise, etc." These things I do know, it's applying them to my love for cup of noodles, caffeine addicted, running upstairs to my room is enough exercise life. So today I took the old rule of, IF YOU CANT BEAT 'EM ... JOIN 'EM and took a 10 mg. Valium. Fuck it! might as well. I'll go to the doctor Monday or Tuesday. Until then I'll ride it

ADDICTED TO METHADONE

The second time I signed up for methadone (maintence) while I was filling out the paperwork, it asked what was I addicted to. Being that I had left detox (14 days) & tried to stay sober, off of everything, for a month. i wrote I was addicted to Methadone. The nurse came back to me & said,"Honey, u cant b addicted to methadone, you have to put down herion or Vicodon". By that time I hadn't touched Vicodin in 5 years (kinda) & I never tried heroin. BUT I WAS THERE BECAUSE MY WITHDRAWL FROM METHADONE WAS HORRIFIC. Not just body aches but I had anxiety, panic attacks, non stop! I had dreams of relief. Just 1 mg, ok maybe 5. I didnt want to get high I just wanted to feel normal for one day, hour, minute. PLEASE LORD HELP ME NOT FEEL THIS PAIN, PLEASE. Long story short, a friend came by with a water bottle half full of juice, took the lid off, filled the cap up (it was maybe 1mg), took a swig then threw back 3 more. RELEIEF...HEAVEN...THANK YOU...I CAN BREATHE. Next day I went down to the clinic & signed up. SO, YES, YOU CAN BE ADDICTED TO METHADONE. PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, PSYCHOLOGICALLY or because u are not ready to feel the pain. ALL THE PAIN. THE REASONS WHY YOU GOT ON PILLS & DRANK UNTIL YOU BLACKED OUT AND TOOK HANDFULLS OF VALIUMS & THEN FOUND THE CURE: METHADONE. THE ADDICTION FOR THE ADDICTION.