I am an addict. Now don't get me wrong, I AM NOT BRAGGING, but this is the number 1 reason I wanted to start this personal/public journal. I've never gotten into what some might call "hard" drugs. Never stuck a needle in my body or smoked out of anything other than a weed piece. Do not know the feeling of being spun out on "go fast" But I have wrecked myself with alcohol (drink until I blackout) and pills. I am a full-scale pill popper. Vicodin/Norcos had my undivided attention for 6 years. I was actually, literally up to 60 Norcos a day. BELIEVE ME OR NOT. I lost pretty much everything, including my self respect and dignity. So I went on to the most logical thing in the unwritten handbook for addicts: methadone. I've been as high as 80 ml. but now am at a proud 40 ml. And yes I've been to detox twice. Problem is I still love pills and even though I may not touch Norcs I LOVE Benzos (Xanax, Valium, Ativan, Pins, ANY Benzo). I struggle everyday and am now practicing "positive thinking". The thing is, there is so much more to me than this habitual life I live. The routine of dosing every morning and always searching for my Benzos BEFORE I run out. I AM intelligence (books), witty, earthy, compassionate, loving, understanding, affectionate, fun and most of all I LOVE TO LEARN... ANYTHING, EVERYTHING. I HOPE I LEARN FROM OTHERS ON LJ AND MAYBE THIS VENTING WILL PROVIDE A HEALTHY ESCAPE. P.S. I have no expectations, maybe nobody will read my public journals but for me its my personal journey.